I sit here tonight as it nears midnight and I have many things on my mind. I keep so many things bottled up inside myself and wonder why I do it. I feel this never ceasing desire to just be me, but by doing such it will destroy so many other people. I feel so selfish for wanting to just do my own thing and to not give a damn about anyone else.
Thats not really me either though. I care too much and too little all at the same time. I have passion, yet not a specific desire for anything. I'm an enigma rolled up in a riddle thats written in a forgotten language.
I have so many interests that I constantly feel a struggle between them all. Where do I draw the line? How can I take away the things that I dont have a true passion for and make space for whatever it is that I am
MEANT to focus on?
This isnt how I meant to start my return to an online forum of intuition and self exploration, but its what is on my mind now. I need an escape, something to cleanse my pallet every now and again.
I've skydived, bungy jumped, road the fastest and tallest roller coasters in the world. I have wrestled in front of 500 people and taken a fall from atop a 25' ladder through a table and onto the concrete floor. I've been in several vehicle accidents and hazardous/dangerous situations. I've knocked some guy out at a bar because he bumped me in the bathroom and wouldnt apologize, trying to be a big man in front of his bigger friends....I was on a bad date at the time so I needed that release.... that sweet facekicking release. I've painted a picture and drawn a comic. I've designed websites and even an estimating program. I'm a jack of all trades, yet a master of none. I've gotten into a fake fight that was so real I had to run from the cops. I've had sex in some of the strangest places. I've had to face my own fears countless times. I tried to kill myself.....twice, neither was successful as is obvious. I have carried over 25 people to their final resting places and found my own father dead. I was once a believer in Jesus Christ and then I lost all faith in a religion and now believe in nothing and everything all at once. I've seen the future, and I have seen the past. I have seen the current world through someone elses eyes. I've been blessed and cursed.
Yet through it all, nothing has defined
me. Who am I? I'm a man with no true path in life. I am lost within myself.
